Protected: A Letter To Myself

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Sexual Transmutation Part III: How I Learned To Channel My “Dark Side”

I have had a breakthrough in overall positive thinking and personal accomplishment in the last several weeks and I think that I discovered something pretty amazing in the process. A seemingly infinite source of very powerful energy that has been growing inside of me my entire life and still grows every day. It’s that same energy that is responsible for the most horrific reactions to events in our lives and also the most liberating. It can literally give one the capacity to commit the most abominable sins, if even for just a moment.  The same energy that makes some women go absolutely crazy after being betrayed by their lover and burn down a dude’s house, or completely destroy his car, or for the more intellectual type…. destroy someone’s entire life piece by piece! There’s an old 70’s song by the Persuaders called “Thin Line Between Love and Hate”, about a man who wakes up in the hospital after narrowly escaping murder from a woman whom we can all argue had a pretty damn good reason in trying to kill this man.

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

What I am more interested in…. is that ferocious, dark, and all-powerful energy we humans possess that seems to come straight from the depths of hell…

We are all undoubtedly fascinated with just how crazy someone can get when they completely let go and become downright primal in getting what they desire. When someone is truly pissed off (there is a distinction) it seems that the level of energy they contain within themselves miraculously doubles, or even triples in an instant! Whether it is bluntly expressing pure anger, eroticized rage (we’ll get to that), swift unyielding justice, or just plain old sweet sweet revenge.  You’ve all felt that almost orgasmic gratification when someone you “hate” just gets exactly what they “deserve”. I know I have felt it once or twice. It is unbelievable how sharp and focused one can become when their antagonizing energy is directly targeted at one person or thing.

Whew this post just got a little dark and scary right? Don’t worry dear reader, as always there is light at the end of this tunnel…

I would be remiss in promoting all of this “positive-ness” in my blogs if I did not also acknowledge the very deep and subconscious dark desires, that may be contrasting with my conscious desires, but are still very much a part of me. It’s what I call my “dark side”. And it contains an energy source that has been one of the most terrifying elements of myself to understand…

What is “dark energy”? I for one know exactly what it is because for most of my life I’ve been consciously avoiding it. But here I will define it in my way so we can be on the same page…

Lets start with a story…

You just had the longest most exhausting day mentally and physically that one can have. You made your bed that morning and absolutely killed the day with positivity at your job and even at the gym that morning! You were so great! You said all the right things at the right time because you are in perfect alignment with yourself! Nothing can bring you down! You have had all your shit together today! Great job! When you get home you are excited to kiss your loved ones and pet the dogs, giving them all of the loving energy that you have left after such a momentous day… Then as soon as you open the door, your couches have been ripped to shreds, your brand new $200 gym shoes have been completely ruined, and JUUUST before you courageously mustered up that god-like compassion to realize that animals typically do shitty things like this after a long day home alone; some POWERFUL DARK fucking energy crept into your being didn’t it? Well… most likely in reality you released some of that energy as pure white blinding rage towards your innocent pets and anything that dared to be in sight! Your body is somehow renewed with a completely different form of energy. And EVEN after you’ve caught your breath, cleaned up the mess, and got some new gym shoes, you still feel a sort of dark energy towards the whole situation and mostly those lousy fucking dogs.

Now as someone who has been practicing the art of internalizing negative emotions his entire life, I can tell you that the well runs deep. It does for most people that we tend to think of as “decent” or “compassionate”. We all have a “dark side” and the one whom is praised the most in our society seems to be the one who can suppress that dark nature within themselves. The “hero” with no dark past is usually the villain in disguise: is my personal take on it.

But what if we could freely express that dark energy contained within ourselves? What if we could dare I say… transmute some of our darkest energy reservoirs consciously? Let me explain…

We can all think of a time when we had to catch ourselves before we did something stupid. We believe that negative energy is synonymous with weakness and so we suppress it so that we remain positive and amiable. But where does all of that energy go? For the gym-rat it can go into the eccentric and concentric movements in their body during those tough last few reps. For the boxer it goes into the heavy bag. For the workaholic it goes into a ruthless perseverance to get the job done. Where does it go for you? Have you ever even thought about where you hide your primal nature? Either way I can safely assume that you still have some of that energy left in you even after hard days work or after physical exercise…

For me, that energy went into my own body and psyche only to be emitted slowly through passive aggressiveness, some sporadic workouts, and also through my personal favorite: intensely passionate sex. I mean doesn’t everyone do that last one though? But what I realized within myself is that once in a while when things would get reeeally intense or heated between the sheets, or I as a man, would feel the emerging of “the beast” within myself, I would notice the depths of that dark energy within myself and quickly retreat back into…..”regular” beast mode. DISCLAIMER: I don’t always have this urge to go “Super Saiyan” during sex, it’s just my default setting to be pretty active. I ain’t out chea raping anybody or doing anything that was not understood by both parties in some form.

The point here is that certain times during the act of intensely passionate sex I would get a taste of some POWERFUL dark energy coming from deep within that would give me an extreme boost of energy and passion… and at the same time give me a terrified feeling of “Oh shit”. I would have to slow myself down and even sometimes lightly apologize for kind of losing myself or being too rough. And the funny thing about this whole thing is… the woman… in all of her divine sweaty feminine energy is fucking DISAPPOINTED at me for not “going there”. I’m thinking to myself, “Look I probably just saved your life because I don’t know who that was or what he is capable of”. And her energy is like, “Nigga TRY ME!!!“. And after that kind of experience we are both left satisfied….but still wondering. So in physical reality, out of my mouth comes “Woah that was kinda crazy haha sorry about that one part”, and out of her’s is “Oh no you’re good that was really fun”. As a masculine yet compassionate man, I liked the idea of being somewhat in control of my dark and primal nature. So I would think to myself, “Nah you did good Christian cause trust me, she ain’t ready”. But maybe I was the one that wasn’t ready…. You’d be surprised at the depths of a woman’s dark side and feminine depths of energy… and they always seem to be more in tune with it than a man. They are NOT afraid of your masculine depths. So neither should I be afraid of my own…

So today, I have learned how to truly channel this seemingly infinite amount of energy into daily practices. Maybe it came from having a long break from sex and having other goals to pursue with that vigor. Either way I think I got it. This is how I’ve started to use my dark energy constructively:

  1. In the gym: I viciously murder the weakness in myself. I tell myself that the one who is doubting my limits on the inside is the ENEMY and he must be ruthlessly destroyed! “Kill that motherfucker!”
  2. When I feel lazy: That fucking selfish cunt is trying to hold me back from getting shit done??? “Yo fuck that! ICE that fool!” haha! (you can have fun with this)
  3. When I feel hopeless or complacent: Take that shitty ass emotion out back and teach it a lesson! Don’t stop until he is focused and happy as FUCK about the future!
  4. When I don’t want to face a difficult situation: I tell myself that the ASSHOLE who wants to remain in his current state of being is fucking shit up! What’re you going to do about it? Let’s cut this motherfucker where it hurts! Slice up that fearful ego!

The way this energy transmutes not only through sex but into other times when I need to face the darkness within is through courage once again. Courage to let go and let whatever happens happen in all aspects of life. The primal nature within myself is not only expressed through sex but also in the gym and in my endurance at work. The key to not go “overboard” is to accept that there is no limit to this power and that it is there for the taking AS you need it. I feared dabbling too much into that energy for a long time, but I now realize that it can be channeled constructively and is actually quite useful in it’s own way. The endless capacity I have for destruction within myself can be transmuted outward into my daily life. This energy is truly limitless and seems to be more effective for daily life than the other more “positive” methods that promote feelings of gratitude for what is and patience for the future. I’m learning to use both types of energy when they are needed to remain balanced within myself in all parts of my life. The sacred balance between them is the difference between the rapist and the passionate ravager.

“Self Improvement is masturbation. Now Self-Destruction… that is the Answer” -Tyler Durden in “Fight Club

Do you get it? You feelin me? Do you think I’m absolutely bat-shit crazy and at any moments notice apt to go over the tipping point and become a self described enlightened maniac? Well one of those is true and all I know is that I have more than enough energy to be the conqueror of MY daily life. To be a ruthless dictator for success within myself and not be afraid to wave my hand and execute the frailty within. The path to success and fulfillment is NEVER easy. So why not face it with the merciless deadly precision of all the powerful emotions we feel when someone cuts us off in bumper to bumper traffic? It’s all about ENERGY and what you do with it is YOUR choice. And as always, Thanks for reading…

The Power in Making Mistakes: The Risk and Reward of Being True to Yourself

The most difficult recurring theme in life is recognizing the dynamic between what we truly desire and what we are willing to exchange in order to get it.

“What does your heart say that your mind is trying to convince you of otherwise?”

What feels the safest and most secure to us is what the world, society, or even our own fearful ego shows us is the correct path of least resistance. Or the “right way” to go about doing things. But because society, the world, and most importantly our ego, does not prioritize the individual or the outlier in us; society’s or ego’s version of who you are and what you should do will forever be flawed. Not necessarily wrong, but flawed.

“I feel like I should do this thing because of reasons I can’t explain but I know are true” -Your True Self

“Don’t follow your heart when making difficult decisions because x, y, and z will happen and you’ll be hurt in some way” – The Ego

Now we absolutely need both of these voices in our heads in order to function in life collectively while having freedom of will. The internal conflict comes into play when one voice has been saying the same thing for a long time and the other is consistently trying to rationalize and tune the other one out. This means that you are lacking balance. True balance I believe comes from listening to both voices simultaneously and ultimately, letting your true self decide the main course of action while the ego guides you on the practical path to to successfully attain the balance you seek. Let me explain in a way that may be more relatable. This somewhat ethereal way of explaining this concept will hit home for some but mostly is just kinda boring or may sound preachy when trying to get entertainment or value out of a blog right?

So let me start with a little story…

Being a massage therapist is such a rewarding vocation for me, in that it lends flexibility and a lot of variety as far as interactions with a multitude of different people. And because that generally consists of being in a relatively quiet room alone with another for at least an hour the client can sometimes tell you enough personal things about themselves to make you feel like your just their “therapist” minus the massage part. We are not therapists on paper but we probably get some of the same information that one would only tell to a paid professional on a regular basis. It can be interesting to see how others really think but also exhausting because of the sheer raw emotion people decide to lay on you. We have to be aware of this and not only channel this energy so that we  give a good massage, but also stay connected with our own selves and prevent transferring our own thoughts and emotions onto strangers that are paying us to help ease their physical pain. Even though I believe through massage therapy we are inadvertently aiding emotional pain as well, we still have to make a living doing what we do, so it literally pays to find balance in this. Not so easy sounding now what we do is it??? All the essential oils and burnt sage smells in the world can’t distract you from having to hear about your client’s personal relationship problems. And a lot of clients talk about their relationships…

Everyone seems to have had that relationship that they knew wasn’t serving them but they stayed in it anyway because of a multitude of reasons. Ranging from not wanting to hurt them, being fearful of a future without their love and comfort, and even the occasional resentment that one would feel towards themselves if the other one moves on just fine without you. The reason you stay is so that nothing changes. So that even though you may not have the things you truly want, you are alive, you still feel joy, sorrow sometimes, and even growth while in that relationship. But is that because it is indeed serving you? Or is it because life is always happening to us whether we like it or not and all those positive and negative emotions along the way give you the illusion that you are actually living your best life through your true self? It is not always so easy to distinguish what is worth fighting for and what is worth sacrificing for one’s peace of mind.

So how does one attain balance while also having the courage to follow their heart? This is how…

It’s all about courage. Courage to find the inexplicable value within yourself and to honor that everyday by emboldening it’s expression. The only fight worth fighting is the battle of loving yourself in every regard while allowing those who want to support you do just that. This means that when courageously following your heart you WILL MAKE MISTAKES. Correction: You will do things that at first seem to be monumental errors in sustaining comfort and the status quo you’ve built for yourself. Your entire life will get turned on itself and you will not know what the future will hold for you because of what you did. This can be terrifying or exhilarating. It all depends on how you view the act of following your true heart’s desire, which by the way… is your destiny…

I tend to believe that the way I became balanced and at peace with my way of living and earning income specifically, came from courageously taking risks (in the form of taking out loans and getting my own education) to carve out a path in life that ultimately leads to self-employment and self-esteem through making my own money. I couldn’t stand working at a 9-5 without a clear vision of what I was doing with the money and how I could grow it. I did that for a looong time and it was literally killing me physically and spiritually everyday. But through putting myself through school and learning about entrepreneurship I feel free and most importantly, more like myself in the way I earn a living. I can do anything I want and I now have the power to choose if I want to work for an hourly wage or create my own.

Everyone else can do this at any time! It’s all based on what you are willing to learn about your unique talents and what you can courageously sacrifice along the way. And this theme shows up in my family interactions, romantic partners, and even interactions with strangers all the time. It never ends but NOW I know the path that I have chosen is one that will unquestionably take me where I want to go. And I trust that the universe will sustain me in it’s infinite abundance of wealth, love, and experiences. The best part about all of this is. You have been practicing this your whole life whether you were aware of it or not. There is no “right time” to understand this, but now that you do… what courageous actions are you willing to take to honor your true self?

I have recently come to terms with the fact that my life everyday will be a battle of deciding how to give my own unique gifts to the world and how to fight for that gift despite what life throws at me. I have literally realized my one unchanging destiny. And the risk/reward factor is just that. Risk before reward. Not the other way around…

So I hope you the reader was feelin me or at least got some value out of this while I went on my own little spiel about courage and destiny. You can safely go back to eating your lunch or browsing the internet without having to internalize WTF you were put on this Earth to do! HAHA! These topics just so happen to annoy my mind occasionally and this is how I scratch that itch. So now that you have the tools, go out there and be your own unique self and share it with someone! Be it unapologetically and fight for it when life tries to make you complacent! And as always, thanks for reading!

Sexual Transmutation Part II: How I’ve Experienced Multiple Orgasms During Sex My Entire Life (As a Male)

This one is not only a real TMI kinda subject (FAIR WARNING), but also very fascinating in that I’ve only recently come to put a name on a strange phenomena that I’ve been experiencing my whole life. I literally just had to do some research and it paid off! This was fun to write but I was also hesitant to post this just because of the subject matter. So keep an open mind if you’ve already made it this far.

Yes it is true. I have been experiencing multiple orgasms for all of my sex life. These experiences have ALWAYS been incidental, meaning that I never used any kind of technique or employed some secret ball pinching method (learned about this online, we’ll get to that) in order to achieve this. I only realized that this is what was happening to me very recently after looking back at past relationships in order to learn more about myself and this is what came up. Also, after my last “Sexual Transmutation” post I wanted to paint a more positive and interesting picture of how sexual energy can be utilized.

So! Once again lets begin with a story…

Even before losing my virginity at 18-19 I was LATE for everything sexual including masturbation. I only consider myself “late” in these regards based on what other girls and guys have shared with me about when in their life they’d first started to explore their own sexuality. I only masturbated for the first time in high school and God I can remember how that experience put me in an entire new state of being! The wheels of fate had to come to a grinding halt, the stars had to pause in the sky, the angel on my shoulder had to STFU for a while, while I explored what the hell is this thing called orgasm!? Lets just say that no high school teenager was sleeping better than me that year.

Also before my first real sexual experience I must note that I had already retained a very deep fear of getting anyone pregnant. I had engrained into myself that getting someone pregnant would basically be the end of my free-loving existence as I knew it. And that fear is not as bad now but still prevalent even at 27. So, couple this deep seated fear with the burning desire to finally “do it”, and you get what I believe was the genesis of my multi-orgasmic sex life. Strange right? Let me explain…

The first time or times that I experienced this was with my first sexual partner. After finally experiencing sex with a partner, I remember it still took a long time for the…. (ok lets call orgasm “APEX” from now on so you don’t feel like you’re reading some guy’s tantric sex novel) “APEX” to happen. But when it did…. JEEZUS F-CKING CHRISHNA it was an experience!!… as you all can probably relate… But here’s where it gets painfully honest but also interesting… After the first time experiencing the APEX with someone I went to sleep that night absolutely terrified that I had possibly gotten someone pregnant! Luckily my partner wasn’t a virgin so she knew when to shut it all down but I was still secretly in desperate agony of not knowing if the peanut-butter made it to the jam. (Get used to these analogies)

So from then on every time we had sex I just did my thing and literally held back any feelings of tipping over the edge for the entire session. And there were a lot of sessions. And thinking back to those times, I may have been a noob at sex but I was always satisfied after and never felt the need to reach that true climax with my partner. Fortunately, for me she didn’t seem to mind at all. I assume now because she was basically getting on a roller-coaster that would never end whenever she came to the sexual theme park that was my room. So literally for almost a year I was having sex on a regular basis and hardly ever achieving orgasm (ok I’ll use the term “orgasm” sometimes). And I didn’t mind this at all! I was having sex with a beautiful girl all the time so who cares?

The thing is… during intercourse I would still feel the electricity run down the spine and the all too common beautiful numbness that occurs in the body right before achieving APEX. (haha this is fun) But knowing that I would surely seal my fate if I ever got her pregnant I always had to suppress this feeling from tipping over the edge, sometimes physically or mentally. Physically by (learned how to term this after some research) using my pelvic muscles to just hold it all back or mentally by just saying “ok time to calm yourself sir” to myself before the APEX was reached. What would result is all of those feelings making their way throughout my body but with no true orgasm that included ejaculation. Sometimes I would think that I did indeed reach APEX and would look down just to be like….”hmm I guess…we’re….good?” and continue! Super fucking awesome right? Well… yea! “This means we can go for another hour at least!”- Inner Mind of Christian.

Without going too much into my later sexual experiences, basically I can say that I simply wanted to experience orgasm during intercourse more often. So I had to unblock those mental and physical habits of orgasmic hiatus that somewhat plagued my mind in order to achieve orgasm with a partner. And after successfully doing this… that simply resulted in every orgasm with a partner turning into a torrential cascading downpour of sexual ecstasy that we all know cannot be put into words… times 100.

So at a certain point in my life I had heard of men having multiple orgasms and would think…. well how the fuck? That just sounds like an unnecessarily messy situation. But later found out that men have been experimenting with this for ages. The ways they consciously achieved multiple orgasms varied from:

  1. Consciously trying not to ejaculate with orgasm with practice (most likely how I did it)
  2. Drugs (somehow cocaine and marijuana can help with this??)
  3. Toys that stimulate male prostate (yes toys for your butt which for me personally is a NO-NOPE-ZONE I don’t care how awesome you say it’ll be)
  4. Novel, or exciting partners (interesting)
  5. Literally PINCHING your balls really hard or right under the “gooch” at the precise time in order to literally stop the sperm from reaching the urethra. (THE FUCK kinda self maiming shit is that!?) More power to you but gotdamn that is just too much…

*This entire post can be valued by the sheer hilarity of what you will learn just by looking up “multiple orgasms for males”. The shit is crazy.

So basically one can feel all of the physical forms of orgasm without actually having to ejaculate (therefore needing a sort of break or “refractory period” in order to gain back the physical drive for sex again). At this point in my life it’s kind of like a personal super-power that I can use at will. If I want to I can prolong sex or I can let it end whenever. It’s just so fascinating to me how sexual energy can be so damn powerful yet so mysterious. I had been doing this shit based off of nothing more than pure will and fear of pregnancy for years! I didn’t even realize that it was a “thing” until I read up on it.

So what should you do if you want to experience multiple orgasms? 

I have no fucking clue! Everyone’s body is different and now that you have my painfully honest experience with the topic you can try it for yourself. Do the research. I can say in my personal experience NOTHING matches up to having an orgasm with your partner. There’s just nothing better, and the multiple orgasm thing for me is just a little bonus gift in life.

A little reminder that the body is indeed a vast temple with many crevices and secret passage-ways to explore…

So I know a bunch of people read my last post on Sexual Transmutation and didn’t comment on it. I want to know your experiences! You can comment anonymously on this you guys so don’t leave me hanging! I’m out chea having multiple orgasms anyway so even if you don’t then you’re just missing out! And as always, thanks for reading!

Sexual Transmutation: How the Pursuit of Sex Can Kill Motivation

OOOH SHIT!!!

Don’t tell me that!!!! Nooooo Nope! Nope! Not going to read the rest of this!
Well buckle up because things are getting……..obvious.

Let me start with a story…

When it came to relationships and sex I can say with some confidence that I always got what I asked for. I asked the universe for and obtained a specific type of woman by constantly thinking of what I wanted, figuring out how I was going to change myself to get it, and thought of the sacrifices I was willing to make in my life in order to obtain her. For example, conquering certain insecurities and bad social habits in order to become more confident therefore, becoming more valuable. When I imagined my perfect partner I would think of how beautiful she would look, her charming personality, how much fun we would have traveling and getting into trouble, all while having amazing sex in every crevice of the world just so we can look at each other and remember that we done some crazy shit! The perfect balance of energies! Like super powerful magnets! Strong when apart, but a devastatingly powerful bond when together. By the way, these words are just pouring out of me right now because I’ve had so much practice in my minding thinking her up!

I used all of the methods that are proven to cultivate ANYTHING in life.

  1. I knew what I wanted. DESIRE
  2. I gave the universe something in exchange for it. SACRIFICE or CHANGE
  3. I was courageous in my actions and had faith that I would obtain it. FAITH

But when I got exactly what I asked for, I had not the slightest clue of what to do with it. 

High School: First I just asked for someone that was beautiful and wanted to have sex all the time! Typical high school virgin trying to spread his pubescent wings! Really not too much to ask for in those days haha! But it all still seemed like a dream to me back then but looking back… I got just that. I got someone who just loooved to get it on! I mean we were craaazy. All over the gotdamn place man it was exhausting honestly! But just to drive the point home…. or to nail this theme into comprehension… we did it a lot.

Post-First Heartbreak: I ended up getting my heart broken in a million itty bitty pieces by her and after this devastation, I courageously put it back together and altered my previous demand to the universe. I shifted my entire existence and more importantly my mindset to one; protect myself from ever feeling that pain again, and to become a person worthy of getting the woman that cannot be so easily gotten. I wanted someone that was “hard to get” so that I knew that once I got her, she wouldn’t hurt me by looking elsewhere. I liked a healthy promiscuous attitude in a girl but at this point I couldn’t resist someone who was sexy and also in control of her sexuality. So I said, “Now I want someone that is beautiful, I can easily get along with, and can make me feel secure.” And I got just that.

Post-First Ending of  Marital Engagement– Turns out that the time was just not right for us. We got along great together but never could figure out how to work through the everyday issues of a relationship with both of us coming out of the other end satisfied. Although we were young we still made some grown up decisions together and eventually stopped seeing each other. I felt like the guy that wins the lottery only to blow it all on coke and ice cream. Good intentions but lack of execution was my downfall. But the specific thing that I desired…. I obtained.

By the way, I am not having fun thinking about all these past relationships and why they didn’t work out trust me! The point of all this is to illustrate a point that may have already popped out at you. Not just that I had some shallow thoughts when it came to what I wanted out of a relationship. But that I always got exactly what I asked for. This burning desire for love, sex, security, and fun was literally driving everything I did. I made more money when I felt like I needed more, I improved my mindset when I realized some of my bad relationship habits, and honed my skills in playing music and other creative endeavors. The universal law of exchange was in full effect! I would storm the gates of Troy with the heart of a lion if it meant that I would gain favor with my chosen woman! (If you get the deeper reference here then we should be friends 🙂

The overarching point is this. I MADE IT HAPPEN. Every fibre of my being was set to this pursuit and I always made it happen! How is this possible? Some guys I know have been searching for these women their entire lives and always seem to come up short. They say I’m lucky. And I am. But my “luck” came from my consistent work on myself and the thoughts I gave time to consistently think. Now where does sex play into this?

Well….. have you ever gone without sex or masturbation for a month? Now I have been told by men AND women that say they have done this willingly or otherwise but personally, I only believe the women when they say they haven’t done both. The men may have found a woman they are not willing to admit they fooled around with in desperation, but they usually CANNOT IMAGINE having not released that “energy” in some way in the past 30 days. If that is easy for you then you can go ahead and quit reading this now. I’m going to raise my hand and say that, that shit is HARD to do.

But that energy is the key. That energy was what kept me growing and improving in my life; albeit in some immature ways, but I was definitely improving. The physical manifestations of my thoughts became a reality faster than I could make myself ready to accept them. I was giving all of my energy to these relationships and leaving just enough in my life to get through college and develop some of my skills in more creative fields.

Sexual energy is POWERFUL. It can build a city and it can burn one down. The power is so massive that you clicked on this blog because it has the word “SEX” in it. Like, “Umm Yes! I’ll have some of that! Tell me more!

Now I’m not going to go deep into how “sex transmutation” can improve your life or tell you why not to pursue a relationship until you are “Ghandi -esque”. Bummer right? No, you can look up “Think and Grow Rich” author Napolean Hill’s description of sexual transmutation and how he believes it is ,”The single most powerful tool when it comes to creation, invention, accomplishment, and creativity”. The only thing I want is to bring to your attention the question…

How much energy are you directing toward eventually gaining some sort of sexual pleasure? How much time and resources are you spending looking for her or him? What are you going to do when you get it? Is that all you need to be happy?

Now I am a self described hopeless romantic when all the walls come down. I will always idealize my partner. It’s in my nature (Venus in Libra here). I love companionship and adore the act of sex just as much as the next person. But I am definitely aware of the boost of energy or (chi I like to call it when talking about sexual energy) when I haven’t masturbated or had sex for a while. It’s undeniable. You are more powerful. Your thoughts are more clear and your “purpose” begins to creep into your mind more often. This is usually why one becomes anxious and eventually just needs a RELEASE. Once again I am no guru here but I feel that the RELEASE can turn into an ESCAPE.

Just be careful. Don’t abuse your own power. Expend your energy with purpose. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred.

Finally, I hope my goal was reached here in these few paragraphs trying to describe most people’s whole reason for existing. It’s not to say that having a lot of sex is bad or that trying to find a suitable mate is wrong. That’s not it chief. It’s just to recognize that the energy that boils in our bodies that is released through good sex is not only a beautiful expression of desire, but also a very powerful energy source.  Just imagine what you could accomplish if you took a little initiative to recognize bad sexual habits and use that energy more constructively. Or even learned to transmute that chaotic lustful energy into passionate mind-blowing sex. I’m not against masturbation either, but a compulsivity to it can pose a problem. It’s just wasting precious energy.

***UPDATE: August 6 2019 : Sexual “release” is not in any way bad or detrimental. I wanted to reiterate that masturbation is NOT wrong, but that one should recognize the energy release that comes from it. I definitely support “releasing” sexual energy and think masturbation is not only sometimes necessary for a mental “reboot”, but can be a great way to obtain a clear head. “Toxic sexual habits” just seemed a little too much to me haha. Sex is viewed so differently around the world and we in the States definitely have a skewed sense of sex and masturbation. So I just wanted to add that.

If anything this post is to encourage more good sex and less toxic sexual habits. I have had experiences that have shown me that when you direct all of your energies towards a specific and clear goal… anything is possible. If you have read this far I think you deserve full disclosure: my partner is out of town currently from July 7th to August 15th (yes I am counting). And you are probably thinking what my close friend told me after I told him I ran 10 miles of mostly hills last week for no real reason other than having the energy. Which was something along the lines of, “Bruh, you need to get laid!”. I died laughing! But fear not, on that faithful day, my “release” is inevitable!!! Haha! Just learning some things along the way! Now go out there and knock boots with life!

I Am Not Who You Think I Am.

Learning to put myself first and make my own needs a priority used to be a foreign concept. 

Over the last few weeks I’ve experienced a drastic transformation in my way of thinking and living. My paradigm if you will, has totally shifted. I made the decision to live the rest of my life for me and my own happiness. I have stopped trying to “save” people, as well as stopped making excuses as to why I should be everyone’s knight in shining armor. No one asked me to.

For most of my life I’ve generally made the effort to make sure everyone around me was “okay with me” in one way or the other. I would keep myself on an even keel emotionally and only express my dissatisfaction or contempt for something once it had boiled in my soul for ages, eventually on rare occasions spurting out all over everyone in the vicinity like a red hot volcano! But deep inside I always want to keep the peace. I had an internal fear of family, friends, romantic partners, and even colleagues of mine, disliking or leaving me if I wasn’t the perfect version of myself when I was around them.

My life; especially leading up until college, has been nothing but instability. It always seemed to me like people around me were making drastic emotional decisions and fucking up their own lives by acting out on their impulses. I liked being the observer. The one who knew EVERYTHING that was going on behind the scenes of my interactions and would just quietly hold that power in my hands until one day I would be able to use it to get what I needed out of a situation.

For example, I had a friend a few years ago that I still consider pretty close. He was quiet and kinda shy but also outrageously funny at times and intelligent so we jelled well together. He struggled to find girls to date in his area and would always start relationships online that for the most part; stayed online. When we would go out to events or parties with a lot of people he would sort of revolve around me and whomever I was dating at the time. Turns out the girls would tell me that he would go from being friendly to trying to make a move on her when I wasn’t around. I never brought this up because even though I felt a little jaded by it, I knew none of my dates were going to do anything with him. So why rock the boat? Instead of calling him out (which would have been a spectacular scene even if it was done lightly) I just kept that little power in the back of my hand in case I ever needed to smack him with it. I would say to myself, “Well he’s probably just doing it because she’s hot and familiar and he doesn’t get many friendly vibes with girls in general”. Even though this was pathetic and weak behavior from him I rationalized it for him just to avoid that confrontation. What a nice guy I was! Letting him hit on my girlfriends just because I knew he couldn’t actually get them.

This sort of behavior spilled into my relationships as well. I would notice things that I maybe wasn’t entirely ok with and instead of making my thoughts and feelings known, I would rationalize and say to myself, “Well it’s not that bad or it’s not a deal-breaker or maybe just wait and see if it gets better”. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself I would always consider my partner and how what I did would effect her. Even if it was going to see a movie that I know I would like by myself, I would think, “Well she’s not going to like this kind of movie so I’ll just wait until I can download it and watch it then”. Maybe I would try to drag her to go see the movie anyways or I would wait, or I would just stay at the house and do nothing! That is just so INSANE to me now! It’s also toxic for everyone involved! The only thing that matters is that I love to see movies! Now that example is a tiny fraction of the everyday struggle I created within myself to “keep the general peace” and make sure everyone was “okay” except for me. This isn’t the other person’s fault but it also isn’t like me not to do something I personally love to do for any reason. I definitely love and value companionship but where can I draw the line? So I had to ask myself…

Who am I living for? Who am I protecting by putting myself after everyone else? Who asked for this?

Those are the questions that I finally took seriously and let change me.

Today, I am not the same man that I was, and I can say that with the utmost confidence because now I FEEL different. My mind is clearer, my body is stronger, my thoughts are serving my growth more than telling me what I can’t do. My skin feels more sensitive and my eyes feel like they are piercing at a target in my future. The world is opening up and all I have to do is walk the line. All of these recent experiences are telling me…

“Let the heart guide and the mind will figure out the rest”

 

This is how I used to develop and evolve in my life. A perpetual loop of…

  • Do my best to make life comfortable and nice for me and everyone around me
  • When it doesn’t work try harder and figure out what I’m doing wrong
  • Realize that I was only hurting myself by trying to control life and the people in it then just let it all go… until it hurt to feel uncertain and doubtful and eventually try to once again “fix” it all and put my life back together

When the things in my life weren’t unfolding the way I felt it should, I would blame myself on the outside for not being the best or enough, but subconsciously I was foolishly blaming everyone else for making me so damn accommodating.

Now, not only have I realized this fault in my paradigm, but I can count back to every decision I’ve made in the last year and remember how I felt in the moment and if it was in line with my true self. My true destiny. I am now beginning to realize that in order to genuinely love anyone else I have to love myself unconditionally. I have to fight for the parts of me that are true. That means nurturing the parts of myself that I may not have thought people liked about me, and accepting that I’m not anyone’s perfect anything. Perfection lies within acceptance.

These are a few of the things I’ve noticed about myself and that I know have to be nurtured and integrated in order for me to feel like “me”— and why it’s ok to embrace that part of myself.

  1. I’m obsessive. When it comes to learning a skill or challenging myself to complete a task I can literally put all of my mental and physical energy into it with no limits until I’m fully exhausted. — This is OKAY! Sometimes I forget how much energy I have and am consistently surprised at how I can always “keep going”. If I feed my body the right fuel it will perform beyond all expectations.
  2. When my mind is running at 1000 miles and hour, that means my body needs to be running at least 10! — I need to take time everyday to train my body vigorously so that it fits the mind that it houses. I have SO much energy that when my body isn’t moving, all that energy transfers directly to my mind causing me to overthink, rationalize, and even sometimes become stagnant.
  3. I have an inherent need for freedom in all aspects of my life. I love just being able to do whatever I want, whenever, and only compromising when I see fit. I see no reason why people should settle for anything in life that doesn’t serve them completely even if it means some are left behind. — That is OKAY! I should be nurturing my need for wide open spaces in my life because I like to play the game and experience ALL that this short life has to offer. Anything less is going to slowly kill my spirit and make me complacent. I have plenty of self-discipline and confidence in myself to get the things done that really need to get done. It’s not life or death to have freedom but it is very important to my well being.

So finally, this is just the beginning of my 2nd or 3rd spiritual awakening in my 27 years and surely won’t be the last. But for the last couple of weeks I have exercised vigorously everyday, I put away the distractions that eat away at my time, and have only eaten food that has real nutritional value to it. In just that time, I am truly getting in touch with my physical nature and my body has assured me that I am more than capable of keeping it up at this pace! My fire is burning constantly!

I’ve made my daily habits look more like who I really am everyday in the past couple weeks and the universe has already given me a few gifts for doing this, as well as shown me that I can NEVER GO BACK. All of this doesn’t mean that I’m just a handsome selfish asshole now, actually it is quite the contrary. I am now more loving and accepting of others than I think I ever have been. I’m more decisive and it comes from knowing my truth! Now I can use my powers of intuition and strength to get what I need out of life and show others how they can do it too!

The only kind of control in life that I can undertake is control over myself.  The only way to change is to decide right now! It doesn’t take 3 months or a year to get your “shit” together, it only takes deciding never to go back!

Does any of this resonate? Have you ever felt this way or felt the need to “break out” of some internal habits that weren’t serving you? Let me know by commenting!

Colorism Might be a Bigger Issue than Racism.

Just a thought I was having…

I’m about to get results from a “23/andme” DNA ancestry test in a few weeks. So I thought it would be fun to look up some videos on YouTube of other people reacting to their results, when I came across this one particular video of a black girl in the thumbnail with the title “SHOCKING AFRICAN ANCESTRY DNA RESULTS”. After watching the video, she found out that her maternal lineage didn’t have ANY African lineage in it. Noting that her skin tone is as dark as mine I was a little confused as to how that is possible too. Turns out her great-great grandmother’s mother was most likely close to 100% European and so the African Ancestry results were basically inconclusive. If you don’t know, “African Ancestry” is a DNA test that specializes in African-American ancestry who’s goal is to trace back your DNA all the way to the specific tribe in Africa that you hail from. So to sum it all up, she paid extra to find out that doesn’t have any African tribal roots on her mothers side. And she was very noticeably upset that she was basically “white as fuuuck”.

(yes I’m paraphrasing, watch the video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5u_jTzwbL0

But what had me thinking about the “colorism” and racism thing in general were the comments on the video.

These were my first impressions after seeing it and they are still fresh in my mind.

1. “Oh wow your family’s first touch of blackness must’ve been VERY dark. Cause you black as f.”
2. Why are you so upset that you have white or basically European ancestry? (Could be because you paid an extra $100 or so for African Ancestry and I can certainly empathize with this one)
3. You’re basically black to everyone in America anyway.

And with my third initial thought therein lies the point of my issue with this. The comments mostly read (as of today) something like: 40% “its okay to be white” with a few can’t say “nigga” anymore type jokes thrown in, 50% “oh where’s your victimhood now”? albeit probably trolling right wing types, and 10% “of you’re beautiful either way” cash me outside how bout dat? kinda funny lighter comments.

But my question is…

How does this black girl’s or anyone’s TRUE ancestry give them ANY victimhood status OR privilege?

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from in order to be discriminated against or gain privilege, because here in the melting pot of the world, you are either black, white, or “something else”. America doesn’t have time for all of that.

Neither does most of the world when it comes to prejudice against certain individuals or groups that have darker skin tones. Just look at discrimination of darker skinned Brazilians in Brazil or look up South Africa where most of the population is black and yet they still have a huge problem with racism related incidents.

But I’m more focused on how Americans view “colorism” and “colorist” individuals if I can coin that one. To everyone and that girl in the YouTube video, you should be proud of your heritage because it is YOUR unique heritage. You can claim this or that because of what you were told by your parents but when it comes to prejudice in America…. if your skin is dark you are black as Hakeem Olajuwon.

The problem is that America has went from all out racism against blacks and minorities to a more mutable “colorism” that can blanket over the remnants of an supremely dark and racist past that is striving to hold on and keep echoing through today. And whites are certainly not the only ones that perpetrate this. Anyone that is not aware of how the media and certain establishments promote an idea that fairer skin and even straighter hair is preferable is unknowingly supporting this toxicity.

Now if you know me, you know that I’m always playing devil’s advocate so of course I think… “Well if the media companies and such aren’t all out racist against blacks and dark skin, is it we the consumers that have told them with our attention and dollars that fairer skin is what we want to see?” and the answer to that I believe is…. YUP!

But before you stop watching Friends and switch to Living Single re-runs just look at this     JUST TOO OBVIOUS FACT….

Since the birth of viewable media like television, the media was very biased against showing blacks and minorities because of just plain racism. NOW it is getting better and we see more blacks and minorities in media than ever. But outright racism is still reflected in our system such as racism against Asians getting into Harvard or the disproportionate number of minorities in the Prison Industrial Complex. So who is keeping this shit alive? It’s us. And now is the time to stop being woke and start just looking at the facts and history. We need to be aware of the past and how it affects us today. That will give us the power to choose how we would like to divide our attention and money.

It’s not outright racism, it’s “colorism”. But uniquely in America today it is homegrown colorism that branches off of the racism that built it. It is when someone says to themselves “I’d rather go with the light skinned one” or “I just like white girls, I’m not racist it’s just what I prefer” WITHOUT knowing the obvious fact that the media and American society is currently bouncing back from an extremely racist history. Just ask yourself the hard questions when those thoughts arise and you’ll be defeating colorism in my eyes.

Thanks for reading and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this if you read this far… like I said… just a thought.